Thursday, November 27, 2008

Last year :
How do you measure your own issues? Do you , now, compare them to mine? To Julian's? Do you ever think that your worries are nothing compared to ours? Do you ever believe that you weren't chosen to be Julian's mom or dad because you weren't strong enough and God never gives you more than you can handle? Do you really think I am? Why would we even have to demonstrate this kind of theory? I don't know and don't want to know what I can handle or can't. Maybe God didn't pick me or my family , maybe the devil did. Do you remember Job's story , Where God "lets " Satan put Job's faith to the test? He tries different things, takes everything and everyone away from him , but yet Job's faith remains strong. I will read this book over and over and try to figure out how Job "did it" . My faith has never been stronger as it is now and I believe it wouldn't be so if our lives had been just a walk in the park. So , is this what it takes to build up someone's faith ? To me , it is a fine line between building up and completely destroying faith in a situation like ours. So how do you keep the faith and turn closer to God? When everything seem unfair and hopeless, how do you turn to God ? How do you turn your unbelievable anger into unshakable belief in God's love? Julian going thru hell is not fair, Ken and I and the boys watching do so is not fair, facing losing our child is cruel and words can't describe the feeling... I know that to you , complete strangers or long time friends or family , it is hard to comprehend . So in a time of great dispair and anger about this situation, stop what you are doing, even just now, stop reading for a while. Turn the radio, Tv , computer off. Get down on your knees, close your eyes,talk to God. Tell him how you feel, how angry you are , how sad and confused you are, ask Him to get you thru another day, cry out to Him , tell Him how unfair you think life is , and then when you are done , ask Him to lift the pain away, ask Him to take on some of the weight . HE will... Thank Him for sending us Julian, thank Him for letting us have Him to hold and kiss and love... And then thank Him for the blessings in your life...When you are done , and you get back up , you will stand a little taller because your heart will be a little lighter and your faith a little stronger... I didnt mean to tell you what to do , just give it a chance...It helps me!!! It helps me when I have had enough and dont feel like being strong anymore, or when I dont want to find out how much i can handle, when I want to run , or just want it all to go away!!!
Found this, read it and questioned my faith all over ...
I don't feel nearly as strong, I don't feel nearly as positive about telling what you should do when you feel down. I have too many questions, too many unfinished thoughts .
I cant even name of the top of my head all the kids who have passed within the last year , not because i forgot but because there are too many . And I have lost faith that it will ever stop.
I have lost hope in a cure for our children , hopefully only for today ....
So what now? Why am i saying all this today when i should tell you all i am thankful for?
Because I know I am not the only one feeling this way.
And yeah i am thankful for people and things , for a LOT of people . It doesnt have to be Thanksgiving for me to let them know.
So I have lost hope in a cure , i have lost hope that our government even cares to find a cure for our children . What I havent lost hope in is YOU !
I have seen what you guys can do. You have come thru for several families , CJ , Carson, Jessica, Justin ( with the cards) , Nicholas ( thanks Deb) , Coleman and all the kiddos you are all praying for on a daily basis. I have hope that if a cure is never to be found , at least our families have YOU .
We wouldnt be able to get thru each day , each MRI, each scan results , each good news , each bad news, each death without your support .
And yes God is there too , if we let him . I have been shutting Him out a lot off and on . Why ? Mainly because I am mad , disappointed , because i feel I have been let down . How could He not heal Julian ? How could He not heal Trinity ? How could He not heal John Eric ? IT is so unfair ...
The holidays are here and we are all minus one child . The hole in our hearts is just NOT fixable.
Some days I do turn to God , I yell at Him a lot , then I apologize , tears flowing ( sounds like roidrage!) . I know He is here , I know He can help , I just need to remember.
So really , I am thankfull for my friends, all of you all year around for what you do for us. Nothing is different today . You are all still here for us and I still miss my baby , and he still wont come back ... I cant let go.
A year ago...

What we have left today with us on this Thanksgiving day is his sports blanket seen above and memories but as i said before , you CANT hug memories...
Talk to you tomorrow with a happier update about our day with the AMAZING VANWEYS!!!!


Mommy to those Special Ks said...

I love you Mimi, you're in our hearts.

Theresa said...

I love you Mimi. You are always on my mind and in my heart.