As i sat in Church yesterday and the service was coming to an end, as they roll the casket away , as I watched Peggy and Scott holding each other up , I saw my friends face showing the pain I felt a year ago on that day , as I felt her pain , I finally set my tears free. I had hope for so much for her, I had prayed and begged she would never have to feel that pain because it just doesnt go away. I didnt want for you Peggy, to live for the rest of your life with a broken heart . We just cant fix that ... As I watched you walk away, these words came to me :

"The day I buried my son " , memoires overwhelmed me ...I wrote it down ... When I woke up this morning , they rang again in my head... Here is where they took me ... This is to you Coleman and Peggy, as much as it is for Julian and me...

The sun was beautiful that day
The wind pretty chilly…
People came from afar,
To celebrate his life.

He was so little
But his heart so big,
He touched so many ,
He helped them find God.

His smile was like no other,
Brightening the darkest souls,
His eyes shared the biggest secrets,
On how life was all worth it.

But on that day ,
That cold but sun filled day,
Our hearts were aching,
His eyes were closed.

Smiles only appeared thru tears,
As we stared at his sweet face.
We were all standing together,
With very little understanding .

Why do loving little boys,
Full of beauty and strength ,
Have to leave theirs mothers,
fathers and brothers way too early.

Balloons went up to Heaven,
Faces turned up to the sky,
Beautiful, bittersweet times,
Fly high little ones…

Surrounded by so many ,
Friends, family , strangers,
All gathered around…
Why this overwhelming feeling of loneliness?

The sun was brightly shining ,
The tears freely flowing
My world stopped turning,
The day I buried my son…

Mimi( 01-10/11-2009)

January 09 in Callender IA

January 08 in Fort Worth,Tx

Larson, Spoonhower , Avery kind of fun ...

Merry CHRISTmas

Last year :

How do you measure your own issues? Do you , now, compare them to mine? To Julian's? Do you ever think that your worries are nothing compared to ours? Do you ever believe that you weren't chosen to be Julian's mom or dad because you weren't strong enough and God never gives you more than you can handle? Do you really think I am? Why would we even have to demonstrate this kind of theory? I don't know and don't want to know what I can handle or can't. Maybe God didn't pick me or my family , maybe the devil did. Do you remember Job's story , Where God "lets " Satan put Job's faith to the test? He tries different things, takes everything and everyone away from him , but yet Job's faith remains strong. I will read this book over and over and try to figure out how Job "did it" . My faith has never been stronger as it is now and I believe it wouldn't be so if our lives had been just a walk in the park. So , is this what it takes to build up someone's faith ? To me , it is a fine line between building up and completely destroying faith in a situation like ours. So how do you keep the faith and turn closer to God? When everything seem unfair and hopeless, how do you turn to God ? How do you turn your unbelievable anger into unshakable belief in God's love? Julian going thru hell is not fair, Ken and I and the boys watching do so is not fair, facing losing our child is cruel and words can't describe the feeling... I know that to you , complete strangers or long time friends or family , it is hard to comprehend . So in a time of great dispair and anger about this situation, stop what you are doing, even just now, stop reading for a while. Turn the radio, Tv , computer off. Get down on your knees, close your eyes,talk to God. Tell him how you feel, how angry you are , how sad and confused you are, ask Him to get you thru another day, cry out to Him , tell Him how unfair you think life is , and then when you are done , ask Him to lift the pain away, ask Him to take on some of the weight . HE will... Thank Him for sending us Julian, thank Him for letting us have Him to hold and kiss and love... And then thank Him for the blessings in your life...When you are done , and you get back up , you will stand a little taller because your heart will be a little lighter and your faith a little stronger... I didnt mean to tell you what to do , just give it a chance...It helps me!!! It helps me when I have had enough and dont feel like being strong anymore, or when I dont want to find out how much i can handle, when I want to run , or just want it all to go away!!!

Found this, read it and questioned my faith all over ...

I don't feel nearly as strong, I don't feel nearly as positive about telling what you should do when you feel down. I have too many questions, too many unfinished thoughts .

I cant even name of the top of my head all the kids who have passed within the last year , not because i forgot but because there are too many . And I have lost faith that it will ever stop.

I have lost hope in a cure for our children , hopefully only for today ....

So what now? Why am i saying all this today when i should tell you all i am thankful for?

Because I know I am not the only one feeling this way.

And yeah i am thankful for people and things , for a LOT of people . It doesnt have to be Thanksgiving for me to let them know.

So I have lost hope in a cure , i have lost hope that our government even cares to find a cure for our children . What I havent lost hope in is YOU !

I have seen what you guys can do. You have come thru for several families , CJ , Carson, Jessica, Justin ( with the cards) , Nicholas ( thanks Deb) , Coleman and all the kiddos you are all praying for on a daily basis. I have hope that if a cure is never to be found , at least our families have YOU .

We wouldnt be able to get thru each day , each MRI, each scan results , each good news , each bad news, each death without your support .

And yes God is there too , if we let him . I have been shutting Him out a lot off and on . Why ? Mainly because I am mad , disappointed , because i feel I have been let down . How could He not heal Julian ? How could He not heal Trinity ? How could He not heal John Eric ? IT is so unfair ...

The holidays are here and we are all minus one child . The hole in our hearts is just NOT fixable.

Some days I do turn to God , I yell at Him a lot , then I apologize , tears flowing ( sounds like roidrage!) . I know He is here , I know He can help , I just need to remember.

So really , I am thankfull for my friends, all of you all year around for what you do for us. Nothing is different today . You are all still here for us and I still miss my baby , and he still wont come back ... I cant let go.

A year ago...

What we have left today with us on this Thanksgiving day is his sports blanket seen above and memories but as i said before , you CANT hug memories...

Talk to you tomorrow with a happier update about our day with the AMAZING VANWEYS!!!!

Mimi

Statement by William Avery (3 years old)

William : MAMMMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAA???

Me: What ?

W: Whos da boss???

Me (not time to answer)

W:ME DUHUH !!!

First : HAPPY BIRTHDAY KEN !!! We celebrated some at Chili's last night . But I dont think he got much of his cake, the boys took it over !!
We had a good time last night however bittersweet. I know I have said it before but I would give everything to feel Julian cuddled up in my lap . And amazingly , we had the same waitress , Amy, as last year. She wasnt supposed to work but saw Ken at lunch when he was handing out papers about CC facts , and switched shifts around so we could have her . She had met Julian last year and it had clicked for her as of why they were doing all this for childhood cancer. She didnt know he had gone to be with Jesus , and she got really sad... Thank you Amy for working a double yesterday !!!

OK, now there is an awesome lady out there making up Calendars to raise money , not for childhood cancer but a different childhood illness . PLease go check out http://www.carepages.com/carepages/Blankiesinmemory . She needs you , parents of ill children, to send her pictures to add to her calendar by tonight I believe ... Thank you !!!

Also our little friend Jessica ( Alveolar Rhabdo) is having a bday on Oct 14th ... We dont know what the near future holds for Jessica ... Lets shower her with BDAY cards from all over the world :
Jessica Easley
314 Teal Trl,
Shirley AR 72153

I know I have told someone else I would mention their site but I forgot who ( please email me again myriamtx@yahoo.com )

As far as kiddos, I am a bit overwhelmed as how many have been put on hospice lately ...
But here is a couple who were mentioned to me.
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/elizabethdoxey

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/brody.a.hurt Brody's bday is on oct 12th , there is a mailing address on their caringbridge for fan mail ...

Also , yesterday was a very sad day , the day that we learned that one of our kiddos has relapsed from Neuroblastoma , if your child is a Neuroblastoma warrior fighting a relapse , Nicholas' mom would like to hear from you : http://www.carepages.com/carepages/NICHOLASDEFELICE , Nicholas is a handsome blond blue eyed lil man who will steal your heart...

Now, as many of you know, I am a french native. I hold a green card and I am lovingly called an alien by the US government . I have been a US resident since 1996 , a PERMANENT resident since 98 or 99 . Well we are coming up on 10 years , and now I need to choose to either become an american citizen or renew my green card. So , it looks like if I can afford it ( please do not send me any money , I am being sarcastic here ) and if I agree to bear arms on behalf of the US if necessary and if they deem me good enough to become a US citizen , oh and probably if I promise to eat freedom fries instead of frAnch fries from now on , within the next year , I should be able to call myself AMERICAN . I will let you know more on this as the paper work gets done . This totally stresses me out as I didnt have the best welcome in this country ! But thats a story for another day ...

Well, enough for today , and please try to EMAIL any prayer requests on kiddos as I might have questions and well you know, I cant reply directly to your messages !!!

OH OH OH ! Very important thing I forgot to tell you... I got to go visit the most beautiful sweet baby girl ever at Cooks on Saturday . Baby Carson slept the whole time . She made all kinds of cute little noises . I stuck around for a while and talked to Mom and Dad , they are an amazing set of parents , and Carson couldnt have picked better , and she is in the hand of one of our favorite oncologist there at Cooks , Dr Heym...
Something cute. Before I left , I said " Carson , you have so many people thinking about you ..." , she was asleep but she gave us a little grin just as I said that ...

Have a good afternoon , and dont forget to wear your childhood cancer awareness gear all month next month ! I want to see GOLD right along with the PINK !!!!

Mimi

Childhood Cancer Awareness Month - The Big Picture - Boston.com

Childhood Cancer Awareness Month - The Big Picture - Boston.com

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